


The Glorious and Magnificent Seduction of The Winter Soldier by The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl???

by EmeraldsAndAmethyst



Series: Sex Pollen and Other Contrivances [2]
Category: The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl, Ultimate Spider-Man (Cartoon)
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Prompt Fill, crack ship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-08
Updated: 2016-08-24
Packaged: 2018-04-03 10:18:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4097254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmeraldsAndAmethyst/pseuds/EmeraldsAndAmethyst
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl spends another spectacular night saving the citizens of New York.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Lost Kitty

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn't get them to have sex in this chapter. So have the prep work needed to explain why SG put Bucky on her form. 
> 
> There’s, like, a whole backstory as to why Bucky has a cat and is also flipping out at being unable to find him. This isn’t that story. All you need to know is he really loves that cat. It helps him remember who he really is. I don’t know if I’ll ever write the actual backstory, so if you want to write that let me know and I’ll beta for you.
> 
> Oh, yeah, if you’re not familiar with Squirrel Girl, Tippy-Toe and Monkey Joe are actual squirrels. Doreen, Monkey Joe and Tippy-Toe all have the proportionate speed, strength, and agility of a squirrel, and also adorable fluffy tails. 
> 
> You should read “The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl”, just sayin’. The previous joke about the proportionate blah blah blah was blatantly taken from there. As well as SG’s theme song.
> 
> Winter Soldier, Squirrel Girl, et. al. © Marvel Comics

 

“Squirrel Girl, Squirrel Girl! Does whatever a Squirrel can!” Doreen Green, aka Squirrel Girl sang as she leapt across the Brooklyn roof tops. Her faithful friend and sidekick, Tippy-Toe on her shoulder.

 

“Find some nuts! Eat some nuts!” Tippy-Toe sang.

 

“Kicking bad guys butts!” Monkey Joe added. Though only Doreen, or other squirrels, could understand their singing as anything more than squeaking and chittering.

 

“Help! Please!” a man cried out in the night.

 

“Hey, Doreen, a real live citizen in distress!” Tippy-Toe cried out, wiggling her nose and as she pointed towards the direction the voice came from.

 

“Alright, Tippy-Toe! Monkey Joe! This is our first totally legit case!” Doreen said to her squirrel companions, slightly louder she added, “Never fear citizen! The mighty Squirrel Girl is here!”

 

She flipped from the rooftop and landed in a defensive crouch before the man calling out for help. Her fluffy, squirrel tail lashed in excitement. Tippy-Toe and Monkey Joe cried out ferocious squirrel war calls.

 

“CHUCKA!”

 

The man before them gazed at them in disbelief. Doreen bounced into an offensive stance and drew some acorns from one of her suit’s pouches.

 

“What ails you, good citizen? The amazing Squirrel Girl is here to save you from the horrors of New York, New York!” Doreen said with confidence.

 

“Chucka-chuck chucka!” Tippy-Toe added.

 

After a moment to acknowledge the reality of the situation, the man held his gloved hands clasped before him, as if in supplication. “Please! I really can’t find my cat, and I know it’s three in the morning, but Neil Catrick Harris and I would both appreciate the help!”

 

“Chuuuuuck-chuka.” Tippy-Toe said as she face palmed.

 

“Now, that’s not nice, Tippy-Toe. This poor, traumatized and not at all suspicious man has lost someone important to him! It is our duty as superheroes to help!” Doreen said as she came out of her fighting stance, tail rising up to rest with the tip curled behind her head.

 

Tippy-Toe crossed her arms and turned up her nose, “Chucka-chuck.” Monkey Joe shook his head and sighed.

 

“Don’t pay any attention to Tippy-Toe, mister, we’ll help you find Neil Catrick Harris!” Doreen said, smiling brightly as she tossed an acorn to Tippy-Toe and put the rest back in her pouch.

 

“Thank you, Squirrel Girl! I, I know he’s just a cat, but he means so much to me,” he said, clearly relieved. Squirrel Girl turned to Monkey Joe and spoke quickly in squirrel-ese to him, Monkey Joe saluted and bounded away.

 

“Just doing my duty as your friendly neighborhood Squirrel Girl!” she said brightly in response, “Don’t worry stranger, Monkey Joe is going to get some help. We’ll find Neil Catrick Harris in no time!”

 

“Ah, thank you, again,” he said quietly, looking down at his booted feet.

 

“Chuka-chuk-uk chuka,” Tippy Toe said suspiciously.

 

“Now really, Tippy Toe, I can hardly go around demanding strangers names when I won’t even give them mine!” Squirrel Girl said in response, frowning at Tippy Toe.

 

“No, that’s… that’s ok, you can call me B-b, uh, James,” he said in response to Squirrel Girl’s inadvertent translation of Tippy Toe’s suspicions. He rubbed his thumb across his knuckles on his left arm, looked up at Squirrel Girl, then quickly darted his eyes to their surroundings as the high line roared past nearby. The street was relatively empty, for Brooklyn, which isn’t to say completely.

 

Squirrel Girl rocked back and forth on her feet, tail moving to keep her balance, as she hummed cheerfully under her breath. A distant ‘chuuuuuuuk chuk chucka chuckuck-cha’ reached them and Squirrel Girl smiled at James.

 

“Sounds like they’ve found him! He’s OK, they're gonna bring him here!” she said.

 

“There! One lost kitty cat by the name of Neil Catrick Harris found!” Squirrel Girl said brightly to James.

 

“I was so worried, Catrick!” he said quietly as he picked up the one eyed, stump tailed ball of black fluff from the squirrels. “Don’t you go wandering off like that again, you little fat-head. That’s an order!” he added, nuzzling down into Neil Catrick Harris’ soft fur. Then seeming to remember his audience he raised his head to turn his serious gaze to Squirrel Girl, “Thank you, Squirrel Girl. I owe you. If you ever need back-up, just send your squirrel friends my way.”

 

“That’s sweet of you to say, totally normal citizen named James! We’re just happy to be of service, have a nutty day!” Dorreen said as she raised her hand in a sloppy salute and leapt away, seeking out further citizens in need of Squirrelly rescue. The squirrels milled about for a few moments more before returning to their interrupted routines.

 

‘James’ looked down at his fluffy pal as he started walking back to their shared flat.

 

* * *

 

 

Squirrel Girl’s wrist communicator chimed.

 

“Oh, what’s this? Monkey Joe, Tippy Toe, we’ve got a new email from Coulson! Ooooh it’s urgent!”

 

“Oh?”

 

“What’s it say?”

 

“Dunno, let’s see here…”

 

 

> To: SHIELD Academy Administrators-LVL6; SHIELD Academy Team ‘Classic’-LVL4; SHIELD Academy Team ‘New Warriors’-LVL1
> 
> CC: Director of SHIELD-LVL10
> 
> Date: <REDACTED>
> 
> Subject: Update to Form 7A WF 83429 (! URGENT)
> 
> Attachment: EAPConsent7A1WF83429.frm
> 
>  
> 
> After careful review of recent events, it has become apparent that all SHIELD agents will need to immediately review and complete the attached emergency action form. This includes agent trainees enrolled at SHIELD Academy.
> 
>  
> 
> Return the completed form by 1700.
> 
>  
> 
> Academy teams please direct all questions to Spider-Man.
> 
>  
> 
> Agent Phil Coulson
> 
> Director of SHIELD Academy
> 
>  
> 
> Strategic Homeland Intervention and Enforcement Division
> 
> S.H.I.E.L.D.
> 
>  
> 
> Warning: The contents of this message are a matter of planetary security. Unauthorized reproduction of the contents of this message, in whole or in part, will result in prosecution to the fullest extent of planetary law.
> 
>  
> 
> Clearance Level One - All S.H.I.E.L.D. agents and contractors are authorized to view this message. If you are receiving this message in error leave your systems powered on, do not attempt to delete this message, and remain calm. SHIELD personnel will be contacting you shortly.

 

 

 

 

> To: Agent Coulson-LVL6; Spider-Man-LVL6
> 
> CC: Director of SHIELD-LVL10
> 
> Date: <REDACTED>
> 
> Subject: RE: Update to Form 7A WF 83429 (! URGENT)
> 
> Attachment: SG 7A1WF83429.frm
> 
>  
> 
> Mr. Agent Coulson, I got the thing!
> 
>  
> 
> Monkey Joe, Tippy Toe and Mr. Lieberman and I talked it over, and I kind of ran out of room on the form cuz apparently ‘James from Brooklyn with the one eyed cat named Neil Catrick Harris’ was too long???
> 
>  
> 
> Squirrel Girl
> 
> Let’s get nuts!
> 
>  
> 
> Strategic Homeland Intervention and Enforcement Logistics Division
> 
> S.H.I.E.L.D.
> 
>  
> 
> Warning: The contents of this message are a matter of planetary security. Unauthorized reproduction of the contents of this message, in whole or in part, will result in prosecution to the fullest extent of planetary law.
> 
>  
> 
> Clearance Level Six - Only S.H.I.E.L.D. agents and authorized contractors rated Level Six and higher may view the contents of this message. If you are receiving this message in error leave your systems powered on, do not attempt to delete this message, and remain calm. SHIELD personnel will be contacting you shortly.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is as far as I've gotten. I just can't bring myself to write the rest of it. Lesson learned I guess. The rest of the requests for this lil AU will likely be an email to coulson and the meet up/decision of how the chara put so and so on their letter. Sorry.

Author’s Notes: 

*words* - translated from squirrel

**words** - translated from catese

 

warnings: dubious consent, implied past rape

 

James Buchanan Barnes, aka The Winter Soldier, aka Bucky, also known as one of Earth’s most dangerous (and successful) assassins, and currently ranked in SHIELD’s top five most wanted persons presumed to be on planet, was sprawled on the on the floor of his (lightly furnished) Brooklyn apartment. A tiny, fluffy, one-eyed, stumpy tailed, black kitten was perched on his chest, it’s one eye closed, purring away like a skillsaw going through hardwood. 

 

Though to be fair the sound was somewhat difficult to hear over Bucky’s sonorous snores. The kitten perked up at the sound of scratching at the window. He yawned and stretched wide, then casually sauntered towards the window, where a pack of squirrels were trying to get his attention.

 

“*NCH, we have a squirrel-mergency, get your human, stat!*” one eastern grey squirrel said with urgency. NCH sat down in front of the window and studiosly licked his paw.

 

“*Catrick, come on, Doreen is really sick*,” the same unnamed squirrel plead. Catrick proceeded to wash his face with his now clean paw.

 

“The humans in the suits are too busy arguing about weird human stuff, but Mr. Lieberman heard them say that your human could help Squirrel Girl get better!” another squirrel chimed in.

 

NCH finished washing his face. The squirrels chittered incomprehensibly in frustration.

 

“Please!” they plead as one.

 

“**Meow**” NCH said, before beginning to groom his chest. The eastern grey squirrel did a dance of frustration about the fire escape.

 

“Neil Catrick Harris, would you  **kindly** get your human to follow us back to Squirrel Girl? It would be really super duper amazing of you, and also all the squirrels in New York will owe you one,” the apparent lead squirrel ground out in irritation, tail lashing.

 

“**Meow!**” Catrick said cheerfully, strolling casually back over to the still sleeping master assassin. Batting at the sleeping man’s long hair, the kitten called out, “**Mrrrrrow, mrow, mmmmmmrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr**” 

 

“Stevie whazzat?” Bucky snorted, waking up and blinking blearily, before his eyes sharpened and he scanned his surroundings.

 

“Meow!” Catrick said urgently.

“Oh, hey short stuff,” Bucky said, reaching down to pick up the kitten and cuddle him close, “Did you knock over your water again? It isn’t supper time yet, you know.”

 

Catrick purred and rubbed his head against Bucky’s chin as Bucky petted him.

 

“... Catrick why are there squirrels?” Bucky asked as he noticed the veritable army of fuzzy critters on his fire escape.

 

"Mrow!" Catrtick leapt down and attempted to lead his human to the fire escape. Bucky stared. 

 

"I'm gonna need more coffee, NCH," Bucky said, ending on a yawn. The squirrels protested this statement. Bucky poured a cup of disturbingly viscous, bitter smelling dark fluid from a cheap, barely warm, coffee pot.

 

NCH mewled and stretched his front paws high against the window pane. Bucky slung back the 'coffee' in one go and rinsed out the cup in his tiny kitchen's sink. 

 

"OK, pussy cat, I hear ya,” Bucky said, grabbing his beat up ballcap and thrift shop army jacket on his way to the window. Bucky opened the window and caught NCH as he tried to make a break for it, “You're staying here, puss. With some squirrely guards."

 

The squirrels protested. Bucky leveled his sternest glower. The squirrels debated furiously amongst themselves while NCH yowled in protest.

 

A handful of squirrels stepped forward and proceed to use charades to explain that they would happily keep NCH from getting lost again, but refused to stay locked up in the apartment. Bucky sighed.

 

“If he gets hurt I think I might be able to remember ma’s recipe for squirrel dumplings, hey,” Bucky said to the cat guard remaining behind. They saluted smartly, tails alert.

 

“Alright you nutters, this better be important.”

  
  
  


It was rather difficult remaining inconspicuous surrounded by a veritable army of fluffy, noisy squirrels, but Bucky was doing his best to play it off as just one of those weird things that just happen in New York. It was working fairly well, all things considered. However it was most definitely not going to work on the SHIELD agents posted around the secure location his furry troublemakers had led him. 

 

He had already plotted the fastest methods of entry and his best guess for exit before he remembered that Squirrel Girl was affiliated with SHIELD. 

 

“Hey, nut lovers, ya didn’t say, do we just walk up? Things are kinda not copacetic with me an’ SHIELD right now…” Bucky trailed off as the squirrels formed a ‘squirrel suit’ around him, “Yes, of course.”

 

The squirrels were insistent on walking through the front door.

 

Bucky complied with a huff of irritation, and was surprised when it actually worked.

 

“Well, whaddya know?”

 

And kept working. 

 

Until he reached the observation room where the squirrels were leading him to. 

 

An angry, un-masked, red and blue suited superhero (Spider-Man, two wrist mounted webshooters; nonlethal tazing tech likely installed, stealthed utility belt with extra web canisters other contents unknown, super strength, super agility, potential other unknown powers) turned, ready to snarl something (probably about restricted areas if he had to guess) then stopped in surprise. A bland faced SHIELD agent (Special Agent rank bars, .9mm Beretta shoulder holster, spring loaded wrist holster for a knife, likely hidden gun and knife in boots, pocket contents unknown) stood with a Starkpad (StarkDocs open to 7A WF 83429 Consent Form for Hallucinogen, Toxin, Chemical Agent or Other Event, Agent: Doreen Green, Alias(es): Squirrel Girl, Preferred Partner: James from Brooklyn with the one eyed ca)  in hand, clearly trying to reason with the young man before him. Spider-Man wouldn’t kill him, giving him the advantage. Spider-Man also wouldn’t allow him to be killed. He was here to help the young man’s teammate, anyways. 

 

He noted a very naked Squirrel Girl on the other side of the two way mirror. Training so brutal it was now instinct cataloging the items in that room (inset fluorescent ceiling lighting, cameras-on, mattress, white sheets, one super suit in pieces on the floor) as well as this one (two wall switches, next to the door, inset fluorescent ceiling lighting, one switch next to the two way mirror, table, two uncomfortable looking chairs at the table, two Starkpads-the second one loose on the table on and locked with clearance level unknown, one rolling desk chair). Two other agent-technicians clustered (and leered he was sure, he could practically smell their musk, even past the squirrels) around the camera feed to the room.

 

His carefully constructed speech flew out of his mind, muscles tensing, jaw clenching, he snarled, “ нет! “

 

When he came back to himself, running through the back alleys and hidden ways of New York, New York, he was only mildly surprised to find himself with an armful of writhing, keening, young, somewhat fluffy, woman. Her army of squirrel followers running along with him, almost like a screening element. Useful.

 

“Hey doll, can you quiet down for like, five, eight minutes, tops?” Bucky asked, really not expecting a response.

 

“Ooooh James anything for you, yeah, I can be quiet, I’ll be good, I’ll be the bestest, most quietest,” Doreen began whispering, fluffy tail wrapping around his waist. 

 

“Great,” Bucky said sarcastically, Doreen squeed and (quietly) clapped her hands. Bucky sighed, “You can go ahead and call me Bucky, doll.” 

 

“Oh Bucky, how cute! Like my very own Bucky Bear!”

 

“Exactly like that, yeah,” Bucky grumbled as he (relatively successfully) snuck them into an empty hotel room, one he knew from previous (ingrained) recon would be empty the rest of today and tonight.

 

Had he been imagining that form, open on the pad? 

 

The squirrels mostly dispersed, once he opened the balcony door. 

 

SHIELD really had such a form, in the first place?

 

Three be-ribboned Eastern Greys stayed on the balcony as he carried Doreen inside.

 

Had she,  **actually** , chosen  **him** , after meeting him all of  **once** ?

 

“Doll, look, you gotta know something about me,” he began as he stopped restraining her. Her nimble fingers danced up his muscled stomach and chest, pushing his jacket to the floor.

 

Was she  **crazy** ?

 

“Oooh, shiney!” she said in delight as she ran her fingers across his metal arm in fascination. Watching it as he moved his arm up to her face, she turned her head easily and met his serious gaze with a bright, somewhat over eager grin. 

 

Scratch that, she ran around in tights fighting super villains. She was  **definitely** crazy.

 

“Look, Squirrel Girl, I just think you might not have put me on that form if you knew who I really was, is all. I know a guy, a real swell guy you can trust way more than  **me** , he’ll come here and help you out. If I ring him up,” Bucky tried again.

 

Doreen pressed her face against the cool metal of his hand with a sigh.

 

“I want  **you** ,” she said, looking up at him with glazed eyes, “but, I guess if you want me to—” 

 

“No!” Bucky snapped out, horrified.

 

“Ok,” Doreen said, blinking in confusion, hand pushing up, under his shirt to feel his warm skin and toned muscles.


End file.
